THE PENTAGON —  Despite lower-than-average annual numbers of mass shootings in the United States this year, the Department of Defense is warning that such events still have significant implications on military recruitment.

“The military is missing more targets than a blind Hezbollah zealot when it comes to recruiting,” Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin said, hair visibly graying. “Looking at gun violence in the U.S., there is a clear impact on our ability to boost our numbers.”

Austin may be on to something. According to the Pew Research Center, gun deaths among children and teens have been rising since 2021. And according to defense officials, many could have been future soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen. 

“Honestly, that is the biggest tragedy,” said Navy recruiter and Tiktok dance sensation Petty Officer 2nd Class Drea Avila soberly. “I mean, yes, someone dying in general is sad, but this is coming at the expense of our manning goals.”