Active military forced to watch ‘Melania’ documentary at SERE school
Cadre say film is far more effective than sleep deprivation
2 min read
Army
Hey, someone has to write the PowerPoint for the war.
Sergeant Major of the Army announces new ‘I hate soldiers’ initiative
Program aims to maximize discipline, despair, and time spent not fighting wars
3 min read
members
Fuck! You left your I.D. Card in your computer
One minor mistake triggers cascading operational collapse
4 min read
Senior service college initiates new curriculum in strategic gaslighting
Course promises senior leaders ‘complete narrative dominance’ and zero accountability
5 min read
paid
Military websites undergo annual update to make them worse
“We’re working hard to make the SIPR sites you need the most confusing piles of shit imaginable," an official said.
3 min read
Hegseth attends Army-Navy game in full pads
Defense Secretary insists he's “ready if they need me."
4 min read
members
Pentagon orders guard troops to return pay after judge rules DC mission ‘unlawful'
The ruling has sent shockwaves through the ranks, especially among those who bought essential items like divorce attorneys, energy drinks, and Zyn.
5 min read
paid
Soldiers react positively to flavored vape pits
Troops say fruity clouds beat the smell of burning tires.
2 min read
Anonymous donor gives Pentagon 130 million cans of Skoal wintergreen to pay troops
Donation will “tide everyone over” until someone finds seven billion more cans
3 min read
members
Fortnite adds Tim Kennedy 'rucksack of grenades' skin
Players can unlock the skin by completing a side quest that involves lobbing at least 25 grenades at non-combatants.
3 min read
members
Mass shooting at Army base cancelled over government shutdown
Terror plots deemed ‘nonessential’ until Congress passes continuing resolution.
4 min read
Top 10 things you can’t buy because you're not getting paid
Congress assures troops that poverty builds character.
4 min read
members
General officer summit extended for k-pop demon hunter singalong
Generals relieved it wasn’t a firing squad or Eyes Wide Shut reenactment
4 min read
members
Pentagon finds Hegseth pullups as root cause of failures in Iraq, Afghanistan
Audit finds lack of dead hang directly correlated with collapse of two nations
3 min read
National Guard mobilized to pick fruit
Governor hails “historic partnership” between citrus industry and underpaid weekend warriors
3 min read
Fort Hood promises to keep murdering soldiers, despite name change
Rebrand includes new signage, commemorative coins, and same culture of unanswered questions and haunted latrines.
2 min read
Pentagon renames fort Huachuca to fort hawk tua
The Fort’s marketing office is working with the Defense Logistics Agency to develop a new hawk mascot in Oakleys.
4 min read
paid
Freshly-acquitted diddy gives your weekend safety brief
Gold diggers, Bieber, and malt liquor: Diddy’s safety brief hits different
3 min read
paid
8 tattoos you can get under new Hegseth policy
Good news: Tattoos of Pete Hegseth depicted “in the Greek Style” are now allowed.
5 min read
paid
US accidentally re-invades Iraq
Troops surprised to find old combat outposts still smell like Axe body spray
3 min read
paid
Army birthday parade sparks rediscovery of Von Steuben’s pimp-step parade doctrine
Lost doctrine finally answers the age-old question: What if marching was fabulous?
5 min read
paid
Army secretary decries 'PowerPoint in parade form' for Trump's birthday
Senior leaders cite “mission creep,” cosplay mishaps, and energy drinks as key factors in birthday parade debacle.
3 min read
paid
Fort irwin to be renamed fort Hitler
Army insists it’s “a completely different Hitler,” citing strong Union loyalty and bratwurst recipes.
2 min read
paid
Basic bitch goes to basic training
Johnson single-handedly organized a supply run for pumpkin spice latte MREs (Meals, Ready-to-Eat).
3 min read
paid
US 'far behind in capabilities' being sold by retired general
The retired officer says that America is woefully under-resourced in a defense technology capability that is only sold by his company.
3 min read
paid
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