MOSCOW – A disoriented and clearly haggard Viktor Yanukovych called a former member of his cabinet from an undisclosed location on Saturday morning, asking, “What the hell did I do last week?” The fugitive ex-president, ousted from office and missing since last Friday, is wanted for mass murder, with thousands of Ukrainians and outraged citizens of the international community clamoring for his head.

“What do you mean, I had a hundred people killed in Independence Square? You know what happens when I drink absinthe!” exclaimed Yanukovych. “No, I don’t know where I am. I think somewhere in Russia."

Yanukovych’s increasing unpopularity with the Ukrainian public erupted in a violent climax last week, when demonstrations escalated into full-blown rioting between police and protesters, leaving more than 80 dead. Described by friends and family as a “mean drunk,” Yanukovych drew up plans to crush resistance before his security detail shuttled him onto a helicopter out of Kiev.