WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Navy celebrated its 239th birthday locked inside its bedroom, gorging itself on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Chubby Hubby,” sources confirmed Monday. Sources also told Duffel Blog that the muffled dialogue of a Sex and the City marathon could be heard over a crescendo of unintelligible sobs through the door.
“Honestly, I’d probably feel the same way,” said a sprightly, 68-year-old Air Force. “Navy’s on the wrong side of 200, and it’s no secret that sailors don’t care about anything.”
Close associates of Navy state that it was once held in high esteem by peers and the American public, serving with notable distinction in various conflicts throughout history, but they admitted that Navy’s modern, downgraded role to posturing and the occasional Tomahawk strike have led it to ride on the coattails of David Farragut, John Paul Jones and the Navy SEALs in a struggle to compensate for its declining popularity.
