Homeless veteran turns to prostitution to support WMD addiction

PHILADELPHIA — Homeless veteran John Webster has reportedly turned to prostitution to support what experts describe as a severe dependency on illicit weapons of mass destruction.

Webster, whose VA-prescribed WMD regimen was discontinued earlier this year, said he now exchanges sexual favors for fentanyl, sarin gas, anthrax, and occasionally small quantities of weapons-grade plutonium.

“I get most of it from my guy Krugg,” Webster said while standing near a busy intersection. “But by the time it gets to him, it’s all stepped on. His sarin’s cut with air, and the plutonium barely glows anymore. I should have enough WMDs in my system to level a major metropolitan area, but honestly I barely feel capable of destroying a strip mall.”

Federal officials warned the illegal WMD trade is becoming increasingly sophisticated.

“These weapons are no joke,” said one senior administration official speaking on condition of anonymity. “The CIA says Krugg gave Myanmar a free vial of VX just to get them hooked. In a way, we’re funding this ourselves.”

The official added that the administration is now considering expanding domestic counterproliferation operations.

“Look at the narco-terrorists flooding rural America with methamphetamine,” he said. “These WMDs have devastated communities across the country. That’s why we authorized missile strikes on suspected mobile weapons laboratories in West Virginia.”

The Pentagon later clarified those facilities had exploded on their own.

Officials also announced Amsterdam, Ibiza, and Tijuana had been added to an updated “Axis of Evil” watchlist, citing concerns over dangerous extremist activity including prolonged hand-staring, spontaneous dancing, and “uncontrolled techno environments.”

At press time, operators at a nuclear missile silo confirmed they were installing targeting coordinates provided by “a shirtless guy yelling at squirrels outside a Wawa.”