DETROIT, Mich. — Army veteran David Jackson, a former infantry platoon sergeant and current human resources representative at Pratt Automotive, loves the additional time with his family, ability to make his own path, and the fair compensation based on his achievements. However, he grossly overestimated the amount of opportunities available to him to shoot recently-terminated, assault-rifle-toting lunatics in corporate America, Jackson revealed in an exclusive interview.

"I have been here seven months without so much as a fucking fist fight," Jackson told Duffel Blog. "Yeah, there was that perverted cell phone peeper, but I am talking about the real sickos. Where are the waves of vicious thumb-dick misogynists breaching the office turn-style with machetes?"

With combat opportunities in Afghanistan dwindling, Jackson performed extensive research into civilian jobs that had the largest probability of being able to kill people. “When I saw that almost five times as many Americans were killed at work than in Afghanistan in 2013, human resources (HR) seemed like a dream come true,” said Jackson while hanging a poster banning use of the company ping pong table between 7AM and 7PM. “Statistics, though, are a mother fucker.”