USS CURTIS WILBUR — Sailors aboard USS Curtis Wilbur (DDG-54) are reacting in shock after learning that a crewmember has recently qualified to stand watch on one of the vessel’s four .50-caliber machine guns, despite evidence that the young man can’t properly aim his own stream of urine into the ship’s male toilets without “piss-plastering the whole goddamned stall.”
Gunner’s Mate 3rd Class Tanner Witsky, a 22-year-old weapons department sailor who reportedly admits to his urinary aiming deficiency (as well as to getting cases of “the butt liquid” whenever around loaded firearms and/or women) is now reportedly responsible for protecting the $1.84-billion Arleigh Burke Class destroyer and its crew of nearly 300 by engaging any shallow water threats Curtis Wilbur might face while moored at potentially dangerous foreign ports.
“It’s beyond comprehension that spaz is expected to keep us from getting blown to shit each time we’re tied-up pierside in any one of these shady-ass countries,” said Boatswain’s Mate 2nd Class Rick Hinojosa, one of many Curtis Wilbur sailors who voiced their dismay at the thought of Witsky standing gun watches. “If that dude jumped off a diving board, he’d probably find a way to miss the pool.”
Hinojosa added that, along with losing all of the ship’s footballs, volleyballs and Frisbees by errantly throwing them into the ocean during the ship's last "steal beach" picnic, Witsky has become so notorious for befouling the ship’s male restroom facilities with his inaccurate urine flow that the crew has coined a phrase for having to enter the same stall after him.
“We call it ‘using Witsky’s mom’,” said Hinojosa, “because you know the whole thing’s gonna be soaking wet before you even get your dong out.”
