FORT LEWIS, Wash. — The Army’s Inspector General is continuing to search for evidence surrounding allegations that the Second Battalion, Third Infantry Regiment, also known as the Patriots, was fighting with deflated morale, giving the unit an unfair disadvantage in combat.

The Patriots’ commander, Lt. Col. William Welichick, defended his team’s performance, claiming that they have fought this badly long before the accusations of low morale began. “We have always been the worst fighting force in the USA, but you know what they say: when you’re on bottom, everyone’s out to get you,” he said.

Nobel laureate Dr. Edgar Herbert has publicly called into question the science behind the investigation’s premise that low morale presents an unfair disadvantage at all. “The claim that fighting with deflated morale is a disadvantage is as illogical as playing with a flattened football. The science just doesn’t support either one,” Herbert argued.