DAMASCUS, Syria — The mystery of Bugs Bunny’s recent disappearance took a troubling turn after ISIS claimed to have taken him hostage, sources confirmed today.
The kidnapping of the iconic Hollywood star comes as a major victory for the so-called Islamic State, as Bunny is the most high-profile American to fall into their hands.
“Taking Bugs Bunny hostage is a victory for ISIS that will send shockwaves around the world,” said Bill Testier, a senior defense analyst at the Pentagon. “It’s even worse than the time they painted a fake tunnel entrance on the side of a cliff, resulting in eight American casualties.”
Bunny had been in Syria for the last two weeks shooting scenes for an upcoming film. When he didn’t show up to the set on time earlier this week, producers initially expressed little concern, thinking he might have had too much Acme-brand scotch the night before.
When they went to his room to wake him, he was nowhere to be found, and his room bore signs of a struggle, prompting a search.
Americans’ worst fears were realized after ISIS released a video showing a captive Bugs Bunny being held at gunpoint. An ISIS spokesman declared they would “hold him up by his dopey ears and slice right through his skinny rabbit neck” if the group’s demands were not met.
“The world will not tah-wah-wate that wascally wabbit being harmed,” said Elmer Fudd, a fellow actor who was filming alongside Bunny. “Those Iswamic wadicals are going to we-gwet this.”
“Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh,” added Fudd.
ISIS has vowed to release Bunny only after the United States immediately withdraws all American troops from the Middle East, renounces Israel’s statehood, and ships them a lifetime supply of goat lube.
“There’s n-n-n-no way the U.S. w-will m-m-meet those d-d-d-d-d-demands,” said Porky Pig, a close associate of Bunny. “B-Bugs is f-f-f-fucked.”