WASHINGTON — The Army says it will replace 85 percent of its personnel with velociraptors by the year 2025, according to a policy memo released this week.
According to the document, the Army will start phasing out human soldiers and will begin filling the ranks with raptors and other ferocious dinosaurs from the Cretaceous Period in fiscal year 2018.
Chief of Staff of the Army Gen. Mark Milley says transitioning to an almost fully theropodal force is the only way to ensure the Army remains the best warfighting outfit in the world.
“Frankly, most of our regular soldiers are too susceptible to personal problems like DUIs, divorce, and human emotions,” said Milley. “Velociraptors, on the other hand, don’t care about anything except literally ripping people’s faces off.”
The plan is expected to solve numerous operational issues, including the need to resupply troops in the field. Velociraptors have an “expeditionary mindset,” Milley says, and can survive solely off the flesh of their slain enemies.
“Raptors embody many of the values we already look for in our soldiers,” he said, regardfully admiring the Jurassic Park poster on his wall. “Teamwork, fighting spirit, and an insatiable thirst for blood.”
The Marine Corps had also planned to replace half of its active force with “those dinosaurs with the bony skulls that just ram their heads into things,” but it cancelled the program after the creatures’ behavior proved “nearly identical” to that of human Marines.
Some in the defense community have questioned the plan, noting that velociraptors have been extinct for over 70 million years.
“Trust me, the only thing going extinct here is terrorism,” Milley said.