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Uncle Mattis gives Jared Kushner ‘Super Duper Secret Clearance’ to stop him from crying


WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis has persuaded Jared Kushner to stop crying and stomping his feet after losing his interim Top Secret clearance by offering him “an even better clearance,” sources confirmed today.

White House sources say that Mattis, known to Kushner as Unky Matty, knelt down and put his hand on Kushner’s shoulder as the 37-year-old sniffled back tears. “This clearance is super duper secret, so you can’t tell anyone else about it,” Mattis said in a low voice before winking knowingly at the aides taking care of Kushner. “Just you and me, okay slugger?”

Kushner was reluctant to accept the offer. “What about mean ol’ Kelly?” Kushner asked, according to sources. “Is he gonna take this one away too?”

Mattis, avoiding long-winded explanations about domestic abuse scandals, collusion with foreign governments, and nepotism, offered a simple answer.

“He can’t, big guy,” said Mattis, sneaking Kushner a piece of candy even though he had not eaten his dinner yet. “Kelly only controls boring government and military secrets. The Super Duper clearance is all about pirates and dinosaurs and you’re in charge of it.”

“It’s gonna be just fine, lil’ sport,” he added.

When asked by reporters whether it was okay to trick the young Kushner, Mattis was resolute.

“What I told him was no more of a fantasy than the idea that he could make peace in the Middle East or improve relations with China.”

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