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Report: Unlicensed Private in driver’s seat ‘pretty sure’ he’s got this

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CAMP MCCRADY, S.C. — An Army Reservist on his first annual training told fellow soldiers he’s “pretty sure” this will be easy, after he was ordered to move an unfamiliar vehicle from one side of the training area to another, sources confirmed today.

“Dude, it’s just like my truck at home,” said Pvt. Steven All, pointing to the 11.5-ton M1078 light medium tactical vehicle (LMTV), a military vehicle used to haul supplies, troops, and equipment over rough terrain.

According to witnesses, All reportedly fell “right on his boot ass” before making a second, more cautious attempt to enter the cab of the vehicle. According to another onlooker, All missed the ladder-step “by this much,” indicating a distance of about three inches with his fingers.

Undeterred, All, who completed basic combat training almost three months ago, dedicated the next 12 or so minutes flipping various switches, pressing buttons, and operating levers while trying to start the engine.

“Where the hell do the keys go?” All reportedly asked himself, a question which could have probably been answered by an assistant driver, had All selected one.

“I asked who had a driver’s license, and he was the only one dumb enough to raise his hand. In retrospect, I should have asked ‘who has an LMTV license?’” explained 1st Lt. Travis Rogers, All’s platoon leader. “Whatever. He only needs to move it about 30 feet, how much can he possibly screw it up?”

At press time, the LMTV was on its side and in flames, further from its intended destination than where it started. No ground guide could be found for comment.

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