JACKSONVILLE, N.C. — The Marine Corps Exchange has pulled its exclusive line of nicotine-infused “Crayola Xtreme!” crayons following a wave of injuries and deaths at Camp Lejeune, officials confirmed this week.

“One of the lieutenants thought it’d be funny to start a rumor about a surprise inspection for stolen art supplies,” said Col. Jack Korzen, while standing in the burned-out remains of a junior enlisted barracks holding what appeared to be part of a melted crayon box. “One of the boots panicked, ate his entire supply, then sprinted from barracks to barracks like a nicotine-fueled Paul Revere.”

What followed, officials said, was “roughly six uninterrupted hours of catastrophic decision-making” that left seven Marines dead and more than 130 hospitalized.

“That’s too much energy for any one Marine,” Korzen said. “How do you tell a mother her son died violating a TCCC mannequin? The kid literally humped himself to death.”

Korzen paused briefly.

“There was moulage everywhere.”

After Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly dismissed calls for a ban as “gay,” Marine leadership instead launched a safety initiative titled “Eating Is for Food.”

The campaign appears to have had limited success.

Near a dining facility where two dozen Marines were injured attempting to parkour across a static-display MV-22 Osprey, Lance Cpl. Sam Arp held up a half-chewed green crayon and defended the product line.

“The grape tastes like purple,” Arp said before unsuccessfully attempting to use the crayon as a straw for applesauce.

Consumer advocates questioned whether manufacturer safety standards were adequate.

“Look at this packaging,” said Diana Fritz of Consumer Reports while displaying a box of “Chunky Xtreme!” oversized crayons featuring a cartoon honey badger named Jitters. “It says, ‘Help Jitters find his lost M4 before formation.’ Jesus Christ.”

Crayola denied allegations the products were marketed toward junior enlisted personnel.

“The Chunky line simply tested extremely well with our E-3 focus groups,” the company said in a statement, adding it remained compliant with “all Humane Society protocols regarding experimentation on junior Marines.”

The product line was developed through a partnership between Crayola and the Marines Human Performance Branch, whose Program Manager for Ingestible Inorganics, Maj. Geoffrey Puntel, defended the initiative.

“They’re going to eat crayons anyway,” Puntel said. “The goal is to ensure as much of the Marine’s ecosystem as possible contains essential nutrients and stimulants.”

Puntel added that similar logic inspired the recent addition of aloe vera and doxycycline to CLP weapons lubricant.

Officials acknowledged the project has faced setbacks before. A previous product, Elmer’s Go-Glue, was discontinued after overdoses among Marines during testing phases.

Still, Puntel said the Corps plans to relaunch Crayola Xtreme! with additional safety features.

“Marines tend to avoid the black crayon because they think it’s licorice,” he said. “So now the black one is made entirely of activated charcoal.”

“It’s basically Narcan," he added.

At press time, taps played at another funeral at Camp Lejeune as investigators worked to determine how a Marine had managed to fit an entire 64-count box into a CamelBak.