NEW YORK — Newly-uncovered documents show the reason that Chief Warrant Officer 5s are so rare in the Army: you must kill one to become one.
Unlike other military officer ranks, Warrant Officers must endure levels of bureaucracy involving rings, incantations, cloaks, and the wielding of weapons made from the horns of unicorns, according to an extensive Duffel Blog investigation.
According to sources, there is one lone Chief Warrant Officer 5 that is actually in charge of the Army, although his name is not legible whenever it is written down. Pentagon documents show it is bound by a spell that is still classified by the Council of Warrants, a group of Chief Warrant Officer 5s representing the variety of elements known in our universe. Examples included the Element of Sham, Invisibility, and also the Element of Surprise, which Warrants master at a young age.
Most alarming, sources say, is the practice of killing older Chief Warrant Officer 5s by the younger Chief Warrant Officer 4s. First, a Warrant Officer must achieve the classified rank of Level 56 Soul Deceiver, coinciding with the age of the young officer.
The ceremony is held in secret, within the walls of the 100th basement of The Hexagon, a building much like The Pentagon, but only for Warrant Officers. The older Warrants are given the opportunity to defend themselves, and many do so successfully, adding to their mystique and suggesting that most Chief Warrant Officer-5s are hundreds of years old.
Once a victor is made evident, the Chief Warrant Officer 5 is given a new name in order to add to his ability to remain invisible to the pesky bureaucrats in the rest of the DoD, some of which do not believe that Chief Warrant Officer 5s even exist.
The revelation was found through documents provided through a Freedom of Information Act request. Also included in the documents were the secret handshakes that Warrant Officers have (which include no direct human contact), and the swear words they are authorized toward General Officers.
The most inappropriate words were multi-syllable, as Warrant Officer 5s are very well educated.