NEW YORK — Newly-uncovered documents show the reason that Chief Warrant Officer 5s are so rare in the Army: you must kill one to become one.

Unlike other military officer ranks, Warrant Officers must endure levels of bureaucracy involving rings, incantations, cloaks, and the wielding of weapons made from the horns of unicorns, according to an extensive Duffel Blog investigation.

According to sources, there is one lone Chief Warrant Officer 5 that is actually in charge of the Army, although his name is not legible whenever it is written down. Pentagon documents show it is bound by a spell that is still classified by the Council of Warrants, a group of Chief Warrant Officer 5s representing the variety of elements known in our universe. Examples included the Element of Sham, Invisibility, and also the Element of Surprise, which Warrants master at a young age.