FT. HOOD, Texas — A local bottle rocket created quite a stir this weekend after putting up a lawn sign saying “Explosive Pyrotechnic — Please Refrain From Being Douchey Veterans” ahead of the Independence Day holiday.
Bucking Bronco, a Texas native with 8 years of pyrotechnic experience, put up the controversial sign late Sunday afternoon. Some members of the community immediately rallied to the bottle rocket’s call, vowing to limit the douche-baggery of their veterans to only reservists or Coast Guardsmen, and to confine them to their backyard.
But others saw the sign as controversial.
“I respect Bronco’s service to our country’s celebratory nighttime illumination, and sympathize with its continued suffering of post-ignition stress disorder,” said neighbor John Wokesmith. “But it’s the very celebration it provides that make me want to show off my alcoholic, dickhead of a cousin who never shuts up about being in the Rangers – despite him being admin. July 4th is the one time of year I can bring him around my friends and won’t have the cops called on us for him drunkenly blocking traffic or filling the streets with his obnoxious vape smoke.”
Other neighbors say it’s all just part of a pattern of attention-seeking behavior to compensate for Bronco’s perception of low self-worth. “If you live near a military base – hearing military jargon and moto phrases are a part of everyday life. If Bronco doesn’t like it, he should move.”
But Bucking Bronco isn’t the only one with complaints. Some residents have apparently filed grievances to the local Home Owners Association about its behavior, and even started a petition to get it kicked out of the neighborhood.
“It’s loud, it’s obnoxious, and it takes just a little spark to set it off,” said Miguel Angueiro. “One time Bucking, reeking of black powder, wandered over to my house, wearing a ‘Thank Me For My Combustion’ wrapper, and started bragging to my 16-year-old-daughter about having a ‘big fuse.’ It then had the nerve to call me a ‘sparkler-cuck’ when I threatened to call the cops if it didn’t get off my property. I don’t care what its history is, I don’t want it, or any of its buddies, anywhere near my kids ever again.”
At press time, Bucking Bronco still had its sign up and the local Veterans Parade remained scheduled for the afternoon of the 4th.