Turkey Prime Minister Gobbler has announced his plans for unconditional surrender to Gen. Santa Clausewitz of the Christmas Empire after many decades of frigid winter combat in North America, sources confirm today.
First declared in 1959, the War on Christmas began as internal strife. However, after the experienced General Clausewitz eventually gained control of the Empire in a military coup, he used his momentum to rapidly begin encroaching on the borders of Thanksgiving in a power play that left the western world roiling.
Initially, Thanksgiving’s Turkey Army held strong along with the aid of longtime allies Veteran’s Day and Halloween, and most observers believed the so-named Autumn Allied Forces (AAF) would defend its territory with ease. This appeared to be the case for decades as the AAF firmly held Christmas behind the Black Friday DMZ.
However, Santa Clausewitz switched to a widespread war of attrition in the 1990s, using his charismatic leadership and the Empire’s worldwide ideological support to slowly chip away at the border between fall and winter. With the ability to evade detection and appear in chimneys behind enemy lines, the orange and black flag lost more and more ground to the red and green.
As concerns began to rise, Thanksgiving looked for allies in New Year’s, Valentine’s Day and even MLK Jr Day. It found no help there, as Christmas remained thoroughly uninterested in expanding its borders Springward.
In the 2000s, the Christmas Empire seemed to no longer need attrition-based insurgency tactics, and unabashedly expanded its logistics chains past the fall borders. Thanksgiving began to face internal problems during this time as well, with small-time rebellions popping up in response to Thanksgiving’s alleged slaughter of Native Americans in its formative years. Gobbler staunchly denied the claims and continued its war, albeit with less support.
Despite continuing its ongoing fight even as it became the losing side, Thanksgiving finally realized the hopelessness of its struggle in the past months. When Christmas displayed its ability to move past Thanksgiving’s borders and operate with impunity even before Halloween, the AAF made a joint decision to throw in the towel.
Ironically, both sides looked to support from the same God, insisting their war was of a holy nature. It’s unknown how the end of this war will affect worldwide religious followers, but in North America, supporters of Thanksgiving have been increasingly going to ground.