PENTAGON — Much like the search for the golden ticket in Willy Wonka, the country has erupted into a sweet Fortnite gaming sesh that doubles as real world operation to select the leader of all U.S. forces, sources confirmed today.
Billed as a battle royale video game, Fortnite has players vie to prove themselves worthy of being stolen by the government and raised as the next general to represent the U.S. in the current and future conflicts.
“This was never supposed to get out, but we’re pretty desperate here in the back rooms,” revealed Col. Graff, a Space Force official. “So we decided to just copy the book ‘Ender’s Game.’ ‘Or The Last Starfighter.’ Whatever. We’re going to try anything.”
The reveal shocked Americans when it was leaked last week, but the public has recovered from the potential moral implications — mostly because there’s a prize. Parents are encouraging their children to play Fortnite more, and reports show some actively forcing their children to leave school, imprisoning them in much the same way the children hope to be imprisoned if they win the competition.
“We figure the wars will keep going, and we’re going to want to win eventually,” stated Graff. “Why wait for the next general to be hopefully good enough to win this thing when we can raise a kid on Mountain Dew, pit him against other children, and remove his moral core until he’s ready to take wield the full power of the United States military?”
The leaks have contributed to the government’s efforts. Fortnite players are on the rise, and most are looking forward to being launched into space with multiple children saying “that’d be pretty sick.”
The military’s effort to find the next strategic military genius are still ongoing.
“Do we have one picked out?” Graff replied. “Well, we have a few. Our number one choice murdered another child in the showers, and we thought that was sort of badass. So he’s totally the top contender.”