WASHINGTON, D.C. – Department of Defense officials assured Eric Trump that a natural geologic shift of the magnetic North Pole would not jeopardize Santa Claus, his toy workshop, or Trump’s chances of receiving Christmas gifts, sources confirmed today.
Trump expressed concerns about observations that the magnetic north pole is drifting, which he believed could interfere with Santa Claus’s navigation capabilities or prevent the U.S. Northern Command (NORAD) from using its famous “Santa Tracker” to monitor Saint Nick’s’ toy deliveries on Christmas Eve. Either situation, according to Trump, would constitute “probably the biggest national security issue of the entire world. Like, ever.”
Trump’s concern stemmed from recent news reports that the Earth’s magnetic north pole is moving from the Canadian Artic towards Russia at 34 miles per year. Magnetic north normally moves slowly over time due to energy from the planet’s core. The current drift is significantly faster than in the past and requires updates to navigation systems.
With no official role in the White House, Trump leveraged his father’s influence and convened an emergency meeting to review the situation.
Using a model of the Santa’s workshop made from legos, Trump declared that navigation issues for Santa or a gap in NORAD tracking abilities presented a national security crisis “every bit as real as the emergency on our southern border.”
Based on the pole’s drift towards Russia, Trump was particularly concerned that Vladimir Putin is “stealing” magnetic north.
The attending CIA representative stated that the intelligence community has no evidence linking the drift to Putin or any of the “bad guys” that Trump suggested as Putin’s accomplices – Boris Badenov, Natasha Fatale, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Dr. Evil, or the Hamburgler.
“Not a chance sir,” said the CIA representative, “pretty much because they’re all fictional characters.”
Trump replied that he “totally knows” that the Hamburgler is not a real person, saying “that costume is an obvious cover disguise. Duh.”
The staff duty officer at NORAD drew a picture that depicted the drift of magnetic north and placement of NORAD sensors with the words “really big antennas here,” which eventually reassured Trump.
Trump said that he is committed to be “really really super good” in 2019 to give Santa extra incentive for overcoming the magnetic shift.
As the meeting convened, attendees overheard an Air Force representative tell Trump that NORAD “should probably get a couple of billion dollars for sensor improvements, just to be safe.”