PENTAGON – “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” the controversial policy that formally prohibited military members from openly discussing their sexual orientation, will now block any talk of the keto diet, acting Defense Secretary Patrick M. Shanahan announced today.
“While it is every service member’s right to follow whatever diet their heart leads them to, it is for the good order and discipline of U.S. forces that I am directing all service members on the keto diet to keep it in the closet,” Shanahan told reporters.
The ketogenic diet, or “keto diet,” is a popular weight loss regimen that limits carbohydrate intake and promotes talking incessantly about how great it is to eat bacon and lose weight. The new policy will take effect at the end of the month with bipartisan support. It will force commanders to take action against any troop going on about how they put butter in their coffee.
“We think this is a step in the right direction,” said everyone not on the keto diet. “This diet is a choice, and the rest of us shouldn’t have to hear about it.”
“Well, keto is all about glucosamine, crossfit, and vegans suck,” said Tech Sgt. Bill Harrison when asked to comment. “I start my day with an avocado and then drink vegetable oil until my stool is only blood. The pounds come right off.”
In addition to paperwork, any military member discussing the diet will have to eat one apple. The apple contains natural sugar and will immediately return any weight lost as well as much needed nutrients.