Captain goes missing after disappearing up VIP guest lecturer’s butt
FORT BRAGG, N.C. – The Army Criminal Investigation Division is investigating an Army officer's apparent disappearance into a visiting professor’s rectal area in a case of extreme ingratiation gone awry, sources confirm today.
Capt. Dexter Edwards disappeared during a reception held after the 3rd Brigade, 82d Airborne Division hosted University of North Carolina political science Professor James Niles for a lecture on counterterrorism complexities in Afghanistan. Junior officers surrounded Niles and complimented him “like a school of company-grade suckerfish latching their lips onto a shark,” according to Sgt. Maj. Paul Stewart
Stewart said that Edwards pushed through the group and cornered Niles “with way more determination than he ever showed in his duties.” Talking over others, Edwards praised the professor for the lecture’s content, its underlying theory, his speaking voice, cadence, life choices, taste in suits, and colorful yet still professional socks.
“He must have been angling fo…
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