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Impeachment bombshell: Col. Mustard testimony puts Trump in the library with candlestick

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WASHINGTON – The House Intelligence Committee called upon Col. Mustard to testify last Tuesday in the hearings related to President Donald Trump’s impeachment. Mustard, a career Army officer and combat veteran of both the Boer War and the Sudan Campaign, sat in on the now-famous July phone call between President Trump and Ukrainian President, Volodymyr Zelensky.

“I intercepted the rapscallion’s communique with the chief minister of the former Cossack Hetmanate,” the great white hunter declared, “And by Jove, a saucy kerfuffle transpired.”

Mustard, garbed smartly in khaki officer’s dress and riding pantaloons, boldly narrated the already-released transcripts of the exchange recorded on a giant scroll unfurled by his loyal footman, Willingford. Though he added no new information to the proceedings, the Victorian vigilante did create a spectacle worthy of the Shakespearian drama that has consumed the electoral process.

The tension crescendoed when Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) referred to the pith-helmeted gadabout as “Mister” Mustard. The famed imperialist was quick to correct him, “You do insult me, you rumbumptious milksop! The name is H. J. Heinz Mustard IV, Lord of Poupon, third cousin to her Ladyship, the Duchess of Dijon, Knight Commander of The Most Honourable Order of the Bath, Colonel of the 4th Queen’s Own Hussars! I flatulate in your general direction, you lily-livered, pinheaded, puzzlewit.”

Matters only worsened when the White House began live-tweeting during the testimony, citing concerns over Mustard’s judgment issued by his former associate, Professor Plum. These events come hot on the heels of allegations of witness intimidation by the president towards Mrs. Peacock during her testimony last week when the President tweeted the following: “The Ballroom, the Conservatory, the Billiard Room, Mrs. Peacock ruins every room she touches.”

Col. Mustard could not be reached for comment, as he has boarded the first British East India Trading Company vessel bound for the Near East where he plans to seek the quietude of the hunt.

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