FORT BRAGG, N.C. —Expert land navigator and platoon leader First Lt. Keith Knoll is lost on the hunt for his girlfriend’s g-spot, sources say.
Lt. Knoll reportedly searched for it for an enduring four minutes last Friday night.
“I don’t get how I could’ve missed it,” lamented Knoll. “I plotted the point, shot my azimuth, and, yes, I adjusted for magnetic declination. I made use of terrain features and counted my paces aloud. I even wore my new headlamp.”
Knoll’s girlfriend confirmed that he counted paces aloud and wore his new headlamp.
Lt. Knoll is the proud recipient of the Expert Infantry Badge and Ranger Tab, both of which he keeps tucked under his pillow for good luck and emotional support. Alas, neither have provided him the strength required to find his girlfriend’s g-spot.
Knoll said that he’s considering taking a different route next time, maybe through the area’s southern entrance.
Knoll’s girlfriend suggested that Keith could, you know, just talk to her about how best to find it.
Lt. Knoll instead consulted his company commander. “Don’t worry, LT,” said Capt. Dave McDougal, “10 years of marriage, and I’ve never hit that power button. I think it’s a myth, like Constantinople or whatever.”
Fortunately, the girlfriend’s g-spot was later found by Knoll’s platoon sergeant, who has previously located Mrs. McDougal’s several times.
Dick Scuttlebutt and Justin Coates contributed reporting.