HE PENTAGON — Following the surprise decision to provide military funeral honors to Air Force veteran and January 6th tourist Ashli Babbitt, Under Secretary of the Air Force Matthew Lohmeier announced today that Elmendorf Air Force Base will be renamed in her honor.
“Honor delayed is honor denied,” stated Lohmeier after quickly looking under his podium for hidden Marxists. “But that ends today. I’m proud to reveal that the Air Force side of Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson will be renamed in her memory. As that base recently rolled out the red carpet for another distinguished visitor who likes to break things, I can think of no location more fitting to eternally bear her name.”
The controversy over Babbitt’s military funeral honors first arose after her untimely passing during a visit to the Capitol Building with a few of her friends on Jan. 6, 2021.
“Ashli was engaged in a beautification project at the Capitol when she was ruthlessly gunned down by a DEI hire posing as a policeman,” Lohmeier said. “She was a veteran like any other: she did her time in uniform, filmed Facebook rants in the cab of her truck, and occasionally joined in with civic-minded friends to call for the summary execution of the vice president.”
”Maybe the Biden administration thought Ashli’s impish behavior brought ‘discredit to the Air Force,’ but I wasn’t going to let this stand on my watch,” continued Lohmeier. “The image of Ashli bravely mounting the barricade while Markwayne Mullin pissed himself hearkened back to great moments in American arms like the raising of the flag on Iwo Jima. To me, they’re basically the same picture.”
Lohmeier noted that the newly-dubbed Joint Base Babbitt-Richardson was only the first in a new round of base redesignations to be undertaken by Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth.
“We switched back all the old names of places like Hood and Bragg to names that totally aren’t dog whistles to an earlier generation of insurrectionists. Now, we’ll honor the service of those like Ashli whose greatest contributions came after they took the uniform off. Or those like Jeffrey Epstein, who never served but just enjoyed the cut of a good set of Navy whites. Newly redesignated Naval Amphibious Base Epstein is a testament to a man who, in his own way, also performed forcible entry on remote islands.”
Still, reporters asked why Babbitt’s case deserved more attention than those of other service members, but Lohmeier denied any disparity.
“Me, Pete, the President, all of us feel very strongly that our warfighters deserve the benefits to which they’re entitled. Our veterans get the benefit of being zip-tied and arrested on the way to scheduled VA appointments. Our active-duty forces get the benefit of watching the DoD budget spent on gold leaf for the new Air Force One rather than keeping our fifth generation fighters flying. And our brave National Guardsmen get the benefit of leaving their day jobs and families behind to pick up condoms and dog shit in D.C.”
After looking under his notes one last time for any sneaky Marxists, Lohmeier ended the press conference by saying he had no further details on the specifics of Babbitt’s funeral honors. But he did confirm that she would only get a 20-gun salute, as she’d gotten the first one in 2021.
P.J. O’Leary also contributed to this story.
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