By Clay Beyersdorfer
SHILOH, Ill. — A local Applebee’s Neighborhood Bar & Grill waitress has been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after working a shift on Veterans Day, sources confirmed today.
Veteran waitress Kari Robinson reportedly began “breathing heavily and hallucinating before becoming overwhelmed with inconsolable rage” in the middle of lunch service Friday. Robinson’s symptoms coincided with the chain restaurant's Veterans Day offer of free meals to former military service members, which typically results in their franchise locations being overwhelmed by customers wearing camouflage shirts, hats with their former duty station, or military-issue boots.
“It was a fucking warzone,” Robinson said between heaving sobs. “You couldn’t escape them [military veterans]. They were everywhere. Whether it was constantly refilling their black coffee, listening to their stories about ‘being in the suck,’ or trying to corral their children from destroying our restaurant, you couldn’t shake them.”
“I lost so many good plates out there,” she added.
Security camera footage showed Robinson finally snap after a table of 12 Army veterans left her a $5 tip despite having all ordered off the free menu.
“I don’t even remember what happened. Honestly, I blacked out,” Robinson claims. “I handed them their bill and the next thing I know, I’ve got free molten chocolate lava cake all over my hands and a Desert Storm veteran on the ground barely breathing.”
After being detained and eventually released by police, Robinson, a four-time Veterans Day veteran, was forced to go back to work without additional check-in or preventative care from Applebee’s higher-ups.
“With recruiting numbers like they are, they [Applebee’s] need bodies right now. They don’t care what kind of mental or physical shape you’re in,” she added. “It’s easier for them to sweep this kind of thing under the rug. Specifically, the big rug in every restaurant’s entryway that says ‘Applebee’s.’”
That type of environment is “just another day in the life here,” a fellow waiter who wished to remain anonymous told reporters.
“Our manager did nothing for us out there today. He just sat out back and smoked cigs, telling us ‘to suck it up,’ and that ‘it was way worse in his day. Any blood spilled here is officially on his hands.”
At the time of publication, Robinson was seen trying to nap in her car before working the dinner shift, violently tossing and turning while screaming "we're out of boneless wings!"
Clay Beyersdorfer is a writer and comedian living in St. Louis. He can be seen attempting to achieve stardom at open mics or getting turned down by satire editors and television producers. He tackles issues like his unhealthy obsession with food, sports ball, and living as an Army veteran.
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PTSD is a communicable disease. Just ask your battle buddy.
Pretty sure she was behind me in line at the VA, we got into an argument over Ambien vs Trazadone.