Army drops 'living pulse' requirement amid recruiting crisis
By Clay Beyersdorfer
WASHINGTON — In the latest in a series of moves to address poor recruiting numbers, the Army is tossing its mandate for potential recruits to have a living pulse.
An official announcement is expected “within the next week,” which will reportedly waive the longstanding “living-breathing heartbeat” requirement to enlist, and will apply to any individual who ships to basic combat training before the end of the year.
“This will hopefully address the concerning numbers we continue to see as it relates to recruiting and retention,” a senior Army officer who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity told Duffel Blog. “It will create more opportunities for demons, zombies, and really any non-organic matter that wants to become a warrior.”
Leaked recruiting materials set to be unveiled following the announcement have already been spotted in graveyards, rifts, and demonic portals across the country.
“We’ll have you back home in no time!” a poster earmarked for Arlington National Cemetary read.
Outside of the efforts to recruit the occult, the service will also target other non-human entities such as plants, cartoon characters, and even sentient robots.
“This will be the most inclusive Army our fighting force has ever been and significantly increases our lethality across the battlespace,” the officer said. “You could have Dora the Explorer running CSAR missions, vampires executing nighttime ops, and poison ivy standing guard at every one of our FOBs, preventing them from being overrun by insurgents. Hell, we would have probably turned the tide in Afghanistan years ago had we done that alone.”
When asked about whether the Department of Defense was considering any other measures to combat declining enlistment numbers, including waiving prior criminal charges for applicants or even welcoming back convicted soldiers like Clint Lorance or Robert Bales, the officer made sure to draw the line.
“We’re looking for monsters, but not those kinds of monsters.”
Clay Beyersdorfer is a writer and comedian living in St. Louis. He can be seen attempting to achieve stardom at open mics or getting turned down by satire editors and television producers. He tackles issues like his unhealthy obsession with food, sports ball, and living as a veteran.