MINOT AIR FORCE BASE, N.D. — Controversy erupted when a local commander relieved a B-52 crew for creating what could be either penis pictures or crew self portraits, sources confirmed today.
“We found drawings on a B-52 navigation computer of five phallic-shaped objects," base spokesman Maj. “Needle” Dick Johnson said. "The Air Force policy is clear — cockpits are no places for dick depictions.”
The sky penis, a phallic shaped symbol made using contrails, took off in popularity after a pilot at Naval Air Station Whidbey Island used his aircraft to create the image. The atmospheric art has since been recreated multiple times, although the Air Force has yet to create its own version.
“I’ll admit that we envied the attention that Navy and Marine Corps aviators got for flying in formations that resembled penises," commander of the accused B-52 crew," Capt. Rodney “Ramrod” Schwantz, said. "I was absolutely deflated about not being able to maneuver my aircraft in the same way. Those air dorks are big and visible, and we all know that in sky writing, size matters.”
“But we’re getting shafted for no reason,” Schwantz added. “Our missions are long and hard, so we need ways to entertain ourselves. After our navigator took a life drawing class at the learning center, he sketched some pictures on our navigation computer showing us as a crew. It’s art, not a dick pic.”
The base command pushed back at the idea the drawings constituted art.
“Art my ass,” said Maj. Johnson. “Those drawings are obviously penises. They’re multiple shapes and sizes, bulbous on top with round objects underneath resembling testicles.”
The flight crew maintained that the images were merely self-portraits, and the command had misconstrued the drawings.
“The drawings show us preparing for a mission," Capt. Schawntz said. "We’re wearing our flight helmets, and those ‘round objects’ are our kit bags of equipment. Is it our fault that we all stand tall and straight? Except our weapons officer, Lt. Chubbie, who’s kind of short and wide. We mistook him for a 55-gallon drum once. His call sign isn’t ‘Tuna Can’ for nothing.”
Johnson admitted that the crew may have a point.
“It’s possible that the Air Force is applying its penis picture policy in an indiscriminate, one could say, 'drunken, manner,'" Johnson said. "We should probably apply it with more skill and dedication and probably with a follow up call the next day, or at least a text.
Regardless, navigator 1st Lt. Ron Chubbie intends to enter the crew portraits/penile depictions in a local amateur aviation art contest.
“The contest judges include Navy and Marine Corps aviators,” Chubbie said. “They’ll definitely appreciate my style.”