California bans veteran burials due to unacceptable levels of PFAS

“While the military will assuredly go on destroying the world in life, the Golden State will not allow them to do so in death,” said Gov. Newsom.

NAPA VALLEY, Calif. — Citing unacceptable levels of the “forever chemical” PFAS in their bodies, California Governor Gavin Newsom formally amended the state’s environmental policy today to prohibit burials at Veterans Administration cemeteries throughout the state.

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“While the military will assuredly go on destroying the world in life, the Golden State will not allow them to do so in death,” Newsom said during a signing ceremony at The French Laundry restaurant in California’s Wine Country. He noted that while the ban went into effect immediately, veterans can continue to be buried at private cemeteries in the state until 2030, provided they are cremated and their ashes spread in Nevada. A sister proposal that would have required veterans to wear orange vests reading “WARNING: This veteran contains chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer” was ultimately scrapped as logistically infeasible.

Scientists are exploring links between PFAS, or Per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances, and a variety of ailments, with veterans suffering significant exposure through such job-related hazards as firefighting foam, chemical spills, jet fuel, and household drinking water. In addition to PFAS, California’s own research found most veterans contained dangerous levels of hydrazine, depleted uranium, and an unknown toxin, later identified as jalapeño-cheese-spread microplastics.

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“These baby-killers were walking Superfund sites,” said Dr. Campbell Preisser, a biologist and consultant on California Environmental Policy Act (CEQA) lawsuits. Preisser praised the act, which has been blamed for worsening California’s already desperate affordable housing crisis, as “essential for protecting the state’s natural environment by minimizing the number of Californians able to remain Californians, now even subterraneously.”

Critics were quick to assail the state’s regulatory overreach, with many commenters on social media citing San Francisco’s infamous $1.7 million toilet and Berkeley residents’ cynical “students are pollutants” lawsuit against expanded housing.

Other commenters were more focused on the state’s perceived lack of patriotism. On X, user Marines’n’Teens seemed to sum up the mood among the “Militerati” community, writing “Srsly unsat california forget freedom aint free while they sleeping under vets freedom blanket cuz they want us on that wall bro.”

Reached for comment, an audibly frustrated VA official who wished to remain nameless said the Secretary of Veteran Affairs attempted to issue a formal rebuke of California multiple times, but the press release paperwork had been misplaced by three different departments within the VA, none of which had a working phone number “as far as I or anyone else can tell.”

“But when we do find the release, the joke’s going to be on Newsom,” the official added, explaining that recent VA research shows that the typical human body will never decay after consuming the preservatives in 20 or more MREs.

“They call it in vivo embalming,” she said. “There is literally no safer place to store toxic chemicals indefinitely than a veteran’s body.”

Bernard Buttersquash is growing concerned that he never reported his AAFES pogs as income.

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