FLORIDA PANHANDLE — Hello fellow members of the warrior class! Retired SEAL Chief Eddie Gallagher here, taking a break from re-watching my TV appearances and polishing my SEAL trident spear to offer some advice.

Russians from squads to the Kremlin might soon be sunk deeper than the Moskva in a sea of war crime indictments by the international woke liberal mob. I was once accused of a handful of charges but only convicted on the pissant charge of posing in a photograph with a corpse.

That means I know how to own a courtroom. If you also want to beat namby-pamby prosecutors and avoid a long tour in a gulag, follow these rules, shipmates: