Eddie Gallagher’s Top 5 defense tips for Russians accused of war crimes
"I know how to own a courtroom."
By Bull Winkle
FLORIDA PANHANDLE — Hello fellow members of the warrior class! Retired SEAL Chief Eddie Gallagher here, taking a break from re-watching my TV appearances and polishing my SEAL trident spear to offer some advice.
Russians from squads to the Kremlin might soon be sunk deeper than the Moskva in a sea of war crime indictments by the international woke liberal mob. I was once accused of a handful of charges but only convicted on the pissant charge of posing in a photograph with a corpse.
That means I know how to own a courtroom. If you also want to beat namby-pamby prosecutors and avoid a long tour in a gulag, follow these rules, shipmates:
1. Project power as a badass.
Reminders of your undeniable status as a stone-cold killer throw wussy-ass lawyers off their game. Your combat experience means that nobody can judge you. Only you can judge yourself. And you know you did nothing wrong. Anyone who questions that is a flat-dicked weasel who doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as a hard-ass killer like you. Pump up this attitude and prosecutors will be too busy pissing themselves to convict you.
2. War crime? Says who?
Big fucking deal if some prisoners somehow died while they were in your care or hiding from you in a basement. Letting prisoners die from wounds is only a crime in obscure and archaic references like international law and human decency. Tell everyone that since you were in Ukraine to kill enemies of Russia, it shouldn’t matter how and when they died.