Hegseth thinking that DEI Coordinator job at National Guard Bureau looks pretty sweet right now
The embattled Pentagon chief, long viewed as a DUI hire, is looking for the exits.
THE PENTAGON — After declaring an end to Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) programs across the military, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is now apparently realizing the program's value, especially if an office presents him with a reasonably secure job opportunity, sources confirmed today.
According to senior defense officials, Hegseth is aware of accusations of incompetence from multiple sectors. Amid rumors that the administration is “quietly looking to replace” him, the secretary likewise seeks an exit strategy.
With that in mind, Hegseth recently noticed a GS-15 level DEI Coordinator position at the National Guard Bureau (NGB) that is “coincidentally vacant.” Sources say that the secretary considers it “just plain good luck” that the incumbent at the job took the early retirement buy-out that the secretary encouraged earlier this year.
Hegseth reportedly considers the open NGB DEI position “a landing pad as soft as his favorite leather chair at Fox News” in case he gets fired. He thinks the job may be challenging, but still easier than “coordinating the media for an impending strike by text or dealing with a bunch of wimpy-ass allies,” he reportedly said.
“After all my years in the National Guard, they owe me,” Hegseth said, referring to his uniformed service. “That included two deployments that I’m so proud of that I wear the crest of the active duty unit on my lapel.”
While receiving a Brazilian blow-out in his Pentagon makeup room, Hegseth told aides that his public prosecution and shunning by Washington’s inner circle helped him understand DEI concepts and give him a “ warrior solidarity” with service members who have also faced exclusion and biases daily for decades, to the detriment of their careers.
If placed in the position, Hegseth looks forward to assisting National Guard members who might face penalties for minor lapses, like believing they transcend security protocols.
Hegseth continues to inquire about the benefits of the NGB position, such as whether he can still post regular videos from his office, whether the headquarters uses encrypted messaging, and whether a separate green room is available if one needs to be built.
"I really hope the position comes with a nearby parking spot," he said, "because I text a lot of great info from my car and don't want to walk very far."
Bull Winkle is also a certified phrenologist and available to make your next wedding, birthday or international negotiations super fun.
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Just the title alone gave me my first good laugh of the day! Good job, DB.
Ha ha! We can only wish!!!