Lance Cpl. extends 248th Birthday Ball TikTok invite to Rep. Lauren Boebert
Lance Cpl. Handslip: "I got this on lock, son!"
Lance Cpl Handslip hopes to “advance up the Delta Corridor - know what I’m sayin’?’.”
21 AREA, CAMP PENDLETON, Ca. — It’s only September, but Lance Corporal Shane “Shocker” Handslip, a mechanic with the 3rd Assault Amphibian Battalion, is already gearing up for the 248th Marine Corps birthday ball with the first celebrity video invitation of Ball Season 2024. In a TikTok video with Mariah Carey’s “Touch My Body” bumping in the background, Lance Corporal Handslip solemnly asked for the privilege of escorting Congresswoman Lauren Boebert (R-CO 03) to the Corps’ biggest party.
“What up, Representative Boebert? As a fourth-award lance corporal I’ve never worried too much about the ‘honor’ part of ‘honor, courage, commitment,’ and it looks like you’re the same way,” he said, wearing a green-on-green ensemble featuring silkies apparently two sizes too small. “The Marine Corps birthday ball is a night about making bad decisions—I think you’re the perfect date for the occasion, so please join me for the chance to have enough fun that I can wake up as PFC Handslip the next day.”
Rep. Boebert is no stranger to controversy, having made headlines for everything from misusing campaign funds to being a homewrecker. But it was her latest escapade, at a viewing of the musical “Beetlejuice”, that caught Lance Corporal Handslip’s attention.
“When I saw her vaping inside a theater I was like, ‘Oh shit, you know what that means’. And then I saw her with this dude who rocks shower shoes in public and sags with her little clutch in his hand. He got to second base with her right there in a crowd. Son, in my dress blues and with my 247 PFT score, I can get a home run, no cap.”
When asked about her somewhat complicated domestic life, Handslip was nonplussed. “Yeah, so she’s a 36-year-old grandma. Honestly, that slaps, cause I know she’s looking for a new man, and I’d love a little BAH with dependents. Plus I know she doesn’t believe her own bullshit about family values—her cuddle date runs a bar where they did a drag show called A Winter Wonderland Burlesque. Shit, we ran a Guys Night Out with exactly the same title at the Bridgeport E-club last December and it had some Randy Rainbow that was way more high-key than anything at her boyfriend’s bar.”
Handslip acknowledged he might be getting a little ahead of himself, and said he was taking things one step at a time. “Hey, worst case, we eat some dry steak that’s still overpriced even though we did a hundred car washes, get a little freaky on the dance floor, and head back to my room where hopefully Lance Cpl. Froelich is not sitting there playing Warzone and she goes down faster than an AAV in a CERTEX.”
At press time, Rep. Boebert was observed calling the battalion commander’s wife and yelling “Do you know who I am,” while insisting that the CO’s wife address her by Handslip’s rank at the ball.
Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing