Military to begin sending thoughts and prayers after drone strikes
Sometimes that's the best we can do.
By Task Force Football Bat
THE PENTAGON — Amid revelations of poorly-executed drone strikes in places like Afghanistan and Syria, military leaders today announced plans to send thoughts and prayers in the wake of every aerial attack.
The plans come after several reports of mistakes and poor risk mitigation leading to staggering numbers of non-combatant deaths at the hands of U.S. drone strikes – none of which have been anyone’s fault, according to the military.
“We see this as both a mitigator and a combat multiplier,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Mark Milley. “Our country has become well-versed at using thoughts and prayers to ease the pain and suffering of those affected by tragic, avoidable, mass casualty events.”
“At the same time, we believe that these very thoughts and prayers can also serve to amplify the effects of our strikes, leaving our enemies and those who harbor them angry, frustrated, or at least confused,” Milley added.
Military planners say that the move means more closely integrating unit chaplains into operations.
“This needs to be a seamless synthesis of maneuver, fires, effects, and invocations,” said Chief of Chaplains of the U.S. Army Maj. Gen. Thomas Solhjem. “But we want to be precise and scrupulous with these invisible, infinite litanies, and for that reason we will not be relying on anyone involved in targeting to determine where our thoughts and prayers go.”
The tactic has already surfaced new rifts among lawmakers. Many with strong evangelical voting bases have lauded the decision, with one member of Congress commenting, “throughout history, senseless death and destruction have been justified or validated by belief in a higher power — it is a tried and true practice we should have been using for a long time.”
Others, particularly those who support an ‘America First’ foreign policy, lament the exporting of spiritual feelings beyond U.S. borders.
“We need those thoughts and prayers right here in America,” remarked a freshman Representative from Georgia. “There’s nothing else we can do about active shooters here at home.”
Milley expects a quick build to the rapid-deployable mental and spiritual sentiments being fully operational within months. “We have to be ready. You never know when we’re going to make up another pointless war or accidentally bomb a car full of kids.”
OMG. So good.
Actually it's the results of an unofficial policy the military enacted when drone strikes first appeared. Whenever young dronesters let fly they always evoked a short prayer before pulling the trigger, "Jesus Fucking Christ I hope we're finally getting the right guy this time." It also reduces the staggering burden of replacing First and Second Lieutenants scapegoated after each mishap.