Pentagon upgrades computers to Windows 95

THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced today that all the computers in the Pentagon had been upgraded to Windows 95, sources report.

“The future of war is in the cyber realm,” Capt. Mark Holland told reporters. “Upgrading to an operating system a decade ahead of anything we've used before puts us on the cutting edge of the information superhighway.”

The Pentagon decided on Windows 95 after a three-year study of operating systems available on the market.

“We spent $472 million researching what was available,” Holland said, “After looking at what Compaq and Wang Laboratories had available, we knew we'd be in good hands with Microsoft. Head-to-head tests showed Windows 95 was far superior to Windows Vista.”

Generals in the Pentagon were amazed at what their new computers can do.

“This is incredible,” General Samuel Brown said. “When I was a lieutenant we communicated through radios the size of suitcases. It could take an hour to get on the right frequency. Now I push a button and fifteen minutes later my computer's powered on.”

“We also got a great deal on an internet provider,” Brown said. “I found a CD that gives us thirty days of free AOL.”

At press time, a spokesman for AAFES announced they would not be following suit, and that “Our card readers work just fine.”