RAMSTEIN, GERMANY — After a NATO defense ministers meeting in Ramstein, Germany, which was acrimonious at times, U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin announced a tentative military aid agreement with the German government aimed at breaking the logjam over providing Leopard tanks to Ukraine. According to Austin, the United States will deliver 100,000 military-grade signs with the text "not a tank" under the Defense Production Act. 

“We believe this will provide the Ukrainians with the main battle tanks they need and address German concerns about escalation without looking like a bunch of pansies,” Austin said.

For months, tensions among NATO allies have been high regarding the subject of providing Ukraine with tanks, and the German-manufactured Leopard 2 tank has been a particular point of contention. On the one hand, the Leopard 2 has been widely proliferated across Europe, with 13 nations possessing close to 2,000 Leopards, and thus is the only main battle tank platform that could be rapidly delivered to Ukraine in large quantities. On the other hand, officials in the German government have told Duffel Blog that German leaders are concerned about possible Russian retaliation against the country, as well as completely losing access to the Gazprom rubles they like to fill their bathtubs with.

“Look, we are not insensitive to the plight of the Ukrainians,” said one German official. “After all, we invaded them in 1941, so we know how horrible occupiers can be. But we have a real concern that donating tanks to Ukraine could cause Russia to take adverse action against us, so we really have to think this through.”

“Escalation is a serious risk,” confirmed another anonymous official, who only spoke with us on the condition they could take their daily therapeutic ruble soak during the interview. “Say we give Ukraine tanks; how will Russia respond? Russia might react by invading Ukraine, leveling their cities, annexing Ukrainian territory, deporting their citizens to prison camps, kidnapping their children, and raping and murdering their women and elderly. To say nothing of what the manufacturer of those tanks might suffer. Angela Merkel has had to cut down her daily ruble shower routine to only twice a week. How much more can we ask her to sacrifice?”

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Thus, America’s decision to provide 100,000 “not a tank” signs to camouflage any Leopards or other main battle tanks donated to Ukraine is key to bringing the German government around. 

“We already have three vendors working on prototypes based on critical requirements,” Austin said. “The signs will be highly sophisticated multi-domain technology.”

“The words ‘not a tank’ will be written in Cyrillic in multiple font sizes visible from long-range sensors to the mark I eyeball. A special sandwich layer in the signs will also include a decaying isotope that recreates the same words in the near-infrared spectrum for visibility through night optical devices and far infrared spectrum for observation through forward-looking infrared sensors. Each sign will have an embedded radio-frequency identification tag with a repeating signal detectable by electronic intelligence equipment. And naturally, we’re proud that all the signs are being manufactured in America by American workers, so each will have a label on the back side saying ‘Made in the U.S.A., not by those punk-ass bitches in Berlin.’”

As our reporter left the Ramstein conference, Secretary Austin could be seen in a heated conversation with his German counterpart over what was a sign and what was not.

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Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.