US moves from DIME strategy to NICKEL during economic downturn
Every penny counts right now.
By Jordan Hemlock
The Pentagon announced today plans to move from its current DIME strategy in order to help deal with a recent economic downturn and rising inflation. National security policy development and implementation will now focus on the newly-coined NICKEL strategy: Nineteen-year-olds, Innovation, Cryptocurrency, Keto, Email, and Leg tucks.
“We have all the ingredients to maintain the same high level of success we’ve been enjoying under DIME, now it’s just in a more fiscally responsible way,” said Pentagon spokesman John Kirby. “Each branch offered its ideas to save money and maintain lethality in an increasingly budget-constrained force.”
The inclusion of nineteen-year-olds, proposed by the Marines, was rooted in the longstanding tradition of depending on teenagers with rifles to maintain American global supremacy.
The Air Force proposed the inclusion of innovation after the success of “Spark Tank,” a reality TV knock-off event in which Air Force members have the opportunity to use their free time competing against each other for the chance to beg senior leadership to improve the Air Force.
The Space Force proposed the addition of cryptocurrency. When asked how he envisioned cryptocurrency fitting into the new strategy, Chief of Space Operations John “Jay” Raymond said, “The purpose of cryptocurrency is the same as that of the Space Force. We don’t know. But the key is that neither does anyone else,” he added, noting that the Space Force logo is currently up for sale as an NFT.