Whiz quiz, hotshot!

4400 PENNSYLVANIA AVE, Washington, D.C. – Following the discovery of cocaine in a public area at the White House earlier this week, the senior non-commissioned officer (NCO) tapped to conduct a drug test at the presidential mansion told reporters he has been training his whole career for the opportunity.

“This is like being asked to conduct the New York Philharmonic or coach at the Super Bowl,” Sergeant Major Richard Gaiser said as he carefully checked the small plastic bottles set out on the Oval Office’s Resolute desk. “This complex movement of rosters, watchers, and wieners will be my magnum opus.” Closing his eyes, he inhaled. “I love the smell of urine in the morning.”