CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — The Department of War has launched a formal review of tuition assistance programs that send service members to Harvard and other Ivy League schools after confirming that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is a product of one.
The revelation has reportedly triggered a Department of War review of tuition assistance programs that send officers to “elite universities” instead of “places that teach useful skills like conquering islands.”
“If Hegseth is the standard Harvard graduate, we definitely need to cut ties,” said Gen. John Worden, Commander of Military Education. “The last thing we need are more people who confuse cable news monologues with strategy.”
“He’s a total moron who thinks the entire world is biased against him,” Worden continued. “He can’t handle criticism and refuses to consider he’s wrong. I can’t tell if it’s an act or if he’s genuinely incapable of introspection. He’s running the Pentagon into the ground and it will take years to repair the damage. If this is Harvard’s warrior output, we might as well redirect tuition assistance to Phoenix Online or a CrossFit Level II certification.”
The Pentagon’s internal review reportedly focuses on whether sending officers to top universities leads to “intellectual contamination,” including exposure to concepts such as nuance, diplomacy, or reading.
“We are concerned that institutions like Harvard may be teaching future leaders to ask questions,” said one senior defense official. “That is not traditionally how the Department of War functions.”
Harvard officials appeared stunned by the criticism.
“We don’t know how he got in or managed to graduate,” said Alice Sullivan, Director of Public Relations. “We pride ourselves on producing competent policymakers. At least when our alumni destabilize regions, they can articulate why.”
She added, “We have already convened an emergency faculty review panel titled ‘How Did This Happen?’”
When reached for comment, Hegseth defended both his education and his leadership.
