FORT DRUM, N.Y. — Top Pentagon officials are in an uproar this week after news has leaked out that the Army’s vaunted 10th Mountain Division — celebrated as the premier arctic and alpine warfighting unit of the military — is actually nowhere near a single fucking mountain range.

While the secret has been kept well under wraps for years, the information finally surfaced during a strategic deployment conference in Washington, D.C. that was attended by both Congressmen and military leaders from across the nation.

Maj. Gen. Stephen Townsend, the commander of 10th Mountain Division, was unwinding at the ‘Boobie Bungalow’, a historic D.C. bistro, when he let it slip that he wished his soldiers actually had mountains nearby to train in, Duffel Blog has learned.