WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Pentagon announced today the results of a surprising study revealing that up to 86 percent of active-duty soldiers spend the majority of their time-in-service standing outside of a shipping container.

“The outcome of this survey is clear,” said Pentagon spokesman Maj. Zachary Browneel, referring to the containers more commonly known in the Army as "connex" boxes. “We have discovered that the modern Army is thoroughly unprepared for deploying its soldiers to standing outside of a connex, with training for the activity only at two weeks a year."

Browneel noted that the Army likely needs to completely revamp its Mission Essential Tasks in order to better train and prepare for the inevitability of standing outside of a connex. Despite the apparent consensus from the Army on the need for more rigorous online courses on standing outside of a connex, there are some contrary voices within the force.