THE PENTAGON — Navy officials announced the extension of Navy SEAL training by one week, adding a grueling 40 hours of creative writing classes to the already intense selection program, Duffel Blog has learned.
The new course material would be introduced immediately, following the Land Warfare phase. After final combat testing, the sailors would move back to the Coronado training facility, where they would receive classroom instruction on the proper use of tense and first vs. third person narrative.
After demanding writing exercises, those SEALs who survive will move on to acting classes, where they will be drilled on how to look coolest when they star as themselves in a made-for-TV movie. They will then be put through two days of mock TV interviews, simulating an intense book promotion tour.
During the interview, sources confirmed SEAL candidates would be trained to glorify themselves as much as possible without looking like self-centered assholes. This portion of the course was described by one of the first students as “the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
Adm. William McRaven, commander of U.S. Special Operations Command, was very enthusiastic about the change.
“These new kids coming up in the [SEAL] teams are already planning their first novel before they even graduate BUD/S. The problem is that most of them write like a gorilla with Down Syndrome, and it’s embarrassing to the entire Navy.”
“Lone Survivor, The Trident, Navy SEAL Sniper, The Warrior Elite, Suffer in Silence, Warrior Soul, American Sniper,” McRaven said, pointing to a coffee table filled with SEAL novels. “All of them read like a 9th grade English report had a retarded baby with a bad 1940’s war movie. And don’t even get me started on Rogue Warrior. That literary abortion made my eyes bleed.”
The Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL (BUD/S) course, believed by many to be one of the most difficult initial selection programs in the U.S. military, prepares sailors to be a Navy SEAL. As the deluge of novels, magazine, TV and movie appearances have shown, the only people more enthralled with the elite forces than those in Hollywood are Navy SEALs themselves.
McRaven pointed to a memo he was drafting. “I’m also working on an addition to their contracts that states they can never use the word ‘Warrior’ in a title again. I’m sick of that shit.”
At press time, the Navy had also announced the addition of another class to BUD/S called “Speedy Publishing Techniques,” after the revelation that there were only three SEAL books released in the last month, including the acclaimed best seller “Unshaveable: A Navy SEAL’s Guide to Hygiene.”