WASHINGTON, D.C. — A 67-year-old man who as a young boy lived under constant fear the Soviets would launch nuclear missiles at his beloved country and wipe out everyone and everything he loved characterized a terrorist group as an "imminent threat to every interest we have" late last week, sources confirmed.

The man, identified as Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, went on to say that militants of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) were "beyond anything" he's ever seen, despite his once serving in a bloody conflict in southeast Asia against a cunning and brutal adversary which utilized guerrilla tactics, irregular warfare, and committed numerous war crimes, all while supported by pinko heathens in Moscow.