THE PENTAGON — Nearly all of the shambling troops that you passed on the run route this morning are lazy malingerers nursing expired profiles, a Defense Department study revealed Monday.

The study, commissioned jointly by the Navy, Army and Marine Corps (the Air Force abstained), polled 10,000 service members on over 40 different bases and discovered that all those suspicions that you had about those fat, shameless wastes of taxpayer dollars are absolutely correct.

"The results were not terribly surprising," said Pentagon spokesman Maj. Robert Jackson. "All those skinny, white-trash females with neck tattoos that are always walking and chatting and swinging their stupid plastic canteens around like they're going to be dehydrated or something. Yep, that's right. You go, ladies. Milk that notional ankle sprain for all its worth."