THE PENTAGON – Plus-sized service-members everywhere are bursting at the seams with joy after Gen. Martin Dempsey announced Monday that “fat shaming” is the DoD’s newest target in the ongoing War on Hurt Feelings.
“Tens of thousands of these brave men and women are already serving in secret,” Dempsey told journalists at a national press conference and hotdog-eating contest. “They are made to feel ashamed, forced to cheat on physical training tests, but now we are ready to give them their just desserts.”
Sgt. Anne Jenkins, a full-figure warrior who was almost ejected from the Army recently for her body composition, feels vindicated after the announcement.
“Now you can’t talk down on me because of my body type, you boney little anorexic bitches! #BigBeautifulWarfighter,” she declared on her popular Twitter account @ArmyOfTon.
To ensure fairness, the DoD also added a requirement for at least 30 percent of leaders to be overweight. Much to the pleasure of top brass, commanders immediately replied that they are already well within compliance for Multi-Chin Equal Opportunity.
“Nowadays, there isn’t a single job in the Army that an obese soldier can’t do just as poorly as a fit soldier,” Dempsey candidly told the press.
“The armed forces run on hateful traditions, but it’s time we joined with America, which we all know ‘Runs on Dunkin,’’” Dempsey concluded.
At press time, most military dining facilities were scrambling to adjust to the changes, since they are now faced with the near-impossible challenge of finding even worse food options to accommodate the unique needs of our nation’s plumpest protectors.