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Admiral in Japan baffled by 900% spike in drug cases

YOKOSUKA, Japan — The commander of US Naval forces in Japan, Rear Adm. Matthew Carter, is reportedly “disturbed and baffled” by a report that drug incidents among sailors stationed in the island nation have skyrocketed almost 900% in recent days, according to sources.

The sources say that shore patrols have been “overwhelmed, almost overnight,” by dozens of calls about meth-addled sailors destroying property and looting NEX facilities. According to local police, three sailors were shot dead during a heroin deal gone wrong at Sasebo Naval Base, while Okinawa’s chief medical officer reported 27 drug-related overdoses in a single evening.

“I have no idea what in God’s name is happening,” said Carter during a press conference. “It’s like every sailor in Japan suddenly decided to lose their minds. Not a single member of my handpicked staff has been able to figure out what caused this.”

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