FORT BRAGG, N.C. — A typical Halloween was ruined for many children who knocked on the door of the Brooks residence Monday evening, sources told Duffel Blog.

“What do we have here?” said Gerald Brooks, greeting another group of costumed trick-or-treaters. “A princess, a werewolf, and — oh. Out-fucking-standing. More imitation soldiers.”

Witnesses say that Brooks, a first sergeant with the 82nd Airborne, gestured sternly with his “command” hand, fingers extended and joined, toward the group’s two camouflaged nine-year-olds.

“You think you can mix that uniform with that that flock-of-seagulls haircut? Not in this man’s Army, hippie. Next time go as a career that will match your hair, like McDonald’s cashier. And you. Are you seriously wearing an eight-point cover with an ACU jacket? Do you even know what branch you’re pretending to be in? No Snickers for you, Jarhead. Now get the hell off my porch.”