Coast Guard intercepts millennial migrant vessel trying to flee to Cuba

Coast Guard Cutter

MIAMI — A month after a report regarding the Coast Guard seeing a decrease in Cuban migration, a U.S. Coast Guard crew and surrounded a group of American millennial migrants off Sands Key, Florida Thursday afternoon.

A Coast Guard helicopter was over the water as the crew of the vessel was seen trying to get cell phone reception about two miles away from the island around 2 p.m. About seven men and two women were seen on the boat which was described as a makeshift outboard with a “Vote for Bernie” and “War is Terrorism” bumper sticker on the hull. The group was trying to reach Cuba when they were intercepted by a U.S. Coast Guard cutter and a U.S. Customs & Border Protection vessel.

“We immediately launched two Coast Guard small boats off our vessel, along with our law enforcement partners in the Miami area who responded to the scene,” said Lt. Commander Dave McKim with the U.S. Coast Guard. “They seemed to have been fleeing from what they call an insane dictator running a totalitarian regime.”

Coast Guard officials said at first the group refused to stop but complied after guardsmen told them over a loudspeaker that Arcade Fire was putting out a new album. Once the migrants stopped, officials said they discovered several reusable Whole Foods bags filled with kale chips and kombucha as well as worn copy of High Times.

“They were wearing scarves, Birkenstocks, and all appeared to have dreadlocks. It’s a tough spot. Our men and women displayed tremendous professionalism with these migrants despite the fact they smelt like a drifter tent filled with diarrhea,” said McKim.

Following the incident, U.S. Customs and Border Protection issued a statement:

“U.S. Customs and Border Protection Air and Marine Operations’ agents encountered a non-compliant vessel packed with stinky hippies who were trying to flee to Cuba. Millennial Migrant interdiction agents successfully deployed the Dank Weed Launcher System tool to interdict the vessel.”

Under the Black Hippie Foot policy, the group was brought to the nearest concert festival and set free among their kind, who embraced them with good vibes. The U.S. Coast Guard overheard the group planning a second attempt, saying that their very lives would be at risk when Trump launches his Anti-Liberal Death Squads before going to war with North Korea. Authorities were searching for two more members in the group but apparently refused to step foot on the vessel due to “extreme sea sickness” and “lack of access to quinoa bowls.”

The U.S. Coast Guard says the number of American millennial migrants trying to make it to Cuba has increased, keeping their crews busy.

“We have seen a steady increase in the number of millennial migrants who feel as though their rights are slowly being stripped away. We’ve also seen an increase in a crippling fear of living in Florida,” said McKim.


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