CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas — After calling up the entire Texas National Guard force for Hurricane Harvey recovery operations, Adjutant Gen. Louis Bell announced a sudden change in mission: catching up on mandatory PowerPoint training.
In a breathtaking joint operation, the Coast Guard, Department of Homeland Security, and Federal Emergency Management Administration pooled resources to bring the necessary easels, projects, and ‘bad touch dolls’ to the soldiers, sources confirmed.
“Surprise motherfuckers,” Bell told his assembled troops on Monday. “Some of you slugs have been dodging drill for seven years, but now I’ve got ya. Sgt. Maj. Callen here’s gonna lock the doors to this auditorium and they won’t open again until every one of you has finished your mandatory diversity, alcohol prevention, and domestic abuse awareness briefings.”
Pvt. Lance Thornton, 50, who was expecting a week of standing around in a Walmart parking lot dodging working parties like Jason Bourne in downtown Moscow, did not receive the surprise well.
“Aw hell, I only came out of hidin’ cuz Billy Thane down there in Victoria said he’d be cookin’ up barbecue for all of us Guard boys,” he siad. “Nothin’ like gettin’ paid to eat some Texas barbecue. But now I gotta learn about human dignity or something instead.”
“History will show that this is an 800-year occurrence,” Bell concluded. “National Guardsmen never complete their mandatory training in a given fiscal year. But my tracker sheets will be straight green by the end of this glorious storm.
“Suck it California,” he added.
At press time, at least seven soldiers were seen floating downstream in a tactical vehicle holding Whataburger bags.