Atheist, CrossFitting Navy SEAL hasn’t told anyone he vapes

Navy SEAL

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — An atheist Navy SEAL who practices CrossFit and built his own gaming PC hasn’t told anyone about his vaping habit, sources confirmed today.

According to several friends and teammates, “Speedy” (whose real name is withheld for security reasons) has walked past several stores in downtown San Diego, interacted with a few people, and even ordered an all-natural fruit smoothie without telling anyone about his extensive vaporizer collection.

Apparently, he hasn’t told his men on his SEAL Team, either.

“I think this is uncharted territory for the Naval Special Warfare community,” says Cristiano Velasquez, one of Speedy’s local civilian friends. “It’s one thing for a SEAL to not tell people about his elite status for more than two minutes, but this is taking things to a whole new level.”

Despite the apparent incredibility of his accomplishment, Speedy considers it to be business as usual.

“It shouldn’t be all that surprising,” Speedy tells reporters. “Secrecy is part of who we are as SEALs. We are quiet professionals, after all.”

Navy SEALs were thrust into the spotlight after SEAL Team 6 eliminated al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden in 2011. Since then, numerous SEALs have written books, or starred or consulted in movies, TV shows, and documentaries.

Just yesterday, Speedy’s civilian friends watched in awe as their SEAL friend got several women’s numbers, quietly handed a flash-drive with his memoirs to a publishing agent outside a mall, and picked up a new video card — all without trying to bring up the intricacies of vaping or why he prefers it to smoking tobacco.

At press time, sources confirmed that Speedy was spotted inside a food court, informing the cashier that he is a vegan.


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