EVERYWHERE, USA — America reluctantly admitted that most of its service-members were not actually heroes, sources close to the first-world nation confirmed today.
“Discounts, parades, preferred services, all these things that were supposed to be a nice way of saying ‘thanks for risking your life’ have morphed into this culture of self-inflicted martyrdom that’s pretty fucking disturbing,” America said during a news conference.
“It’s partially my fault. I’m the one who sees the incredible things our special operations and para-military forces are doing on an hourly basis around the globe. If most of our enemies knew what we were capable of they’d be shitting their pants,” the nation began, ignoring shouted questions from the press.
“It’s a sad fact that those most deserving of the label ‘hero’ are the same people who won’t ever acknowledge it, no matter how deserving. Seventeen years after 9/11 we’ve somehow created a cult of hero worship aimed at semi-educated 18- and 19-year old kids who’ve done nothing more taxing than go overseas for a year and deal with shitty food and shittier weather.”
America went on to describe her reasoning in making the announcement.
“Last week we had a team of operators conducting highly classified surveillance in a country whose name sounds like ‘Iran’ but isn’t. They were compromised, and had to extract themselves on foot over 19 miles, all while sustaining heavy casualties and fighting off waves of vastly larger enemy units. We lost 5 men that day. All their families received death notifications stating their loved ones died in a training accident.”
America wiped tears from her eyes and continued.
“During those hellish 16 hours, three separate profanity-laced screeds were published on the internet by self-described ‘heroes,’ using their years of mediocre service to justify everything from hanging illegal immigrants to burning the houses of democratically-elected officials. Then there were two soldiers from the 82nd airborne division who filmed themselves beating the shit out of a 97-year old WW2 veteran wearing an “I served” pin because he couldn’t remember where he went to basic training.”
“And worst of all, a former sailor with PTSD from his three-month tour in Kuwait as a customs officer received a free home from the ‘Houses for Heroes’ charity organization!” America added.
Immediately following the announcement, a spokesman for the nation said that although America may seem short tempered and angry at its service-members, she valued the contributions of everyone from the lowliest supply clerk to the most elite commando equally.
“But maybe dial it back on the veteran-branded product plugs,” he added. “Even Medal of Honor recipients can be self-aggrandizing assholes sometimes.”