The following is an all-hands letter sent to all members of the base written by the commanding general, in response to the announcement of an investigation into his conduct.

OFFICE OF THE COMMANDING GENERAL — It is with a heavy heart that I must suspend myself, effective immediately, pending the outcome of the recently announced investigation into my conduct.

Regrettably, I will be unable to attend tomorrow’s town hall meeting to discuss all the pressing issues facing our military families, such as our inability to book Pitbull to perform a concert on post and the critical shortage of Natural Light and Juul Pods at the shoppette. As much as I thoroughly enjoy taking questions from ill-informed family members and disgruntled soldiers about superfluous bullshit over which I have no control, I will, unfortunately, be unavailable for the foreseeable future.