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Veterans

Ronny Jackson vows to give up drinking next Monday

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WASHINGTON — Secretary of Veterans Affairs nominee Rear Adm. Ronny Jackson has vowed to give up drinking sometime next Monday or perhaps Wednesday at the latest, sources confirmed today.

“These are very serious allegations, and look, I’ve gotta be honest. I don’t remember most of these incidents,” Jackson told reporters of the 937 allegations of drinking on duty and creating a toxic work environment leveled against him over the past week. “But I’m taking this nomination seriously, which is why I am planning to give up drinking alcohol for good, sometime next week or the week after that.”

“I just need to check on my schedule and make sure there are no Secret Service going away parties,” he added, before continuing to sip his eighth gin and tonic just to “take the edge off.”

The embattled White House physician made the pledge amid allegations from current and former members of his staff. Some have said Jackson drank excessively during an overseas trip in 2015 and was later found banging on the door of a staff member’s hotel room, while others alleged that Jackson drunkenly crashed a government vehicle.

I never wrecked a car,” Jackson said. “More than once.”

Meanwhile, the White House on Tuesday released notes from a performance review of Jackson written by President Barack Obama, in which he praised the military doctor as a “tremendous asset to the White House, especially during the Navy Ball and our intramural beer pong championships.”

According to former White House officials, it was somewhat an open secret that Jackson and Obama were known drinking buddies. During a trip to Thailand, for example, the pair “fuckin’ raged” in Pattaya before getting back on Air Force One for the return flight to Washington, one staffer said.

At press time, the Navy was reviewing many of the allegations, as well as removing all references of “you can drink like a sailor!” from future recruiting commercials.

Paul is a former Marine grunt with eight years of experience — specializing in snapping necks and cashing checks. He enjoys blowing things up, making people laugh, and hardcore gangster rap music.

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Army

Former PT stud now lives in barn

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CLARKSBURG, W. Va. — A retired 82nd Airborne soldier who was once known for having the fastest two-mile run time in his battalion currently lives in a barn, horses confirmed today.

Thomas Chatterton, 32, of Clarksburg, entered basic training at Fort Benning in 2004, where instructors quickly noticed his speed and endurance on the track, said one horse who lives in the barn with Chatterton.

“We do three things around here. We run fast, eat oats, and we piss all over the floor. Anyone who wants to be a part of that, well, we’re happy to have you! Damn happy! We certainly don’t discriminate based on race, gender, orientation, or ability to take shits so big that a team of professionals has to come clean them up with snow shovels,” he said.

Chatterton got serious about running in middle school and remained dedicated in high school, according to his mother.

“Tommy was always a fast kid,” said Wendy Chatterton. “His 1600-meter time is still the state record for boys under 14. He went through the usual phases high school boys go through, you know. He grew his hair out into an enormous tail he could flap at flies, he slept standing up.”

She added: “I have to admit, though, we were somewhat surprised when he began soiling his pants wherever he was standing.”

Horses claim that Chatterton’s dedication has inspired them to be better competitors on the track.

“Tom’s an athlete through and through. Incredible focus,” said one horse who has raced with Chatterton. “Back at the barn, he’s the nicest guy you’ve ever met. But, the moment that gun goes off and all the other horses blow immediately past him, he’s all business.”

At 32 years old, Chatterton is a bit of an anomaly on the track, according to Crackling Thunder, a gray-spotted horse. Especially, he said, after a horrific trampling accident that occurred last year.

“The average life-span of a horse is about 25-30 years, so Tom’s really got guts to be mixing it up with these younger studs,” Thunder told reporters. “We take injuries pretty seriously here. They can mean life or death. After he got trampled that last time, I knew he was having some second thoughts.”

Video of the incident, which happened at the Hollywood Casino’s Charles Town Race Track near Charles Town, West Virginia, gained popularity after airing on America’s Funniest Home Videos, said one horse who was there.

“Oh, it was awful,” he said. “Here’s a competitor who only draws breath out of the love of the sport, and these jackals are putting slide whistle and boing-boing sound effects on the video of him getting trampled by 16 race horses charging at full speed? It makes me sick.”

Horses say that Chatterton wasn’t fazed by the incident, though, and his recovery has gone well.

Although he declined to speak to Duffel Blog reporters for this article, he did release a statement through his trainer, telling fans that any paper mail they send him is usually eaten or used as bedding by other horses.

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Air Force

Nike apologizes for forgetting military monopoly on sacrifice

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BEAVERTON, Ore. — Nike has issued a public apology to the military community after creating an advertisement featuring the text “Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing everything,” over a picture of a football player who is not a military veteran, sources confirmed today.

“We completely forgot that the only sacrifice that means anything is that of our brave men and women in uniform,” Nike CEO Mark Parker wrote in a tweet on Thursday, days after a backlash erupted over an ad campaign that featured Colin Kaepernick.

“I failed to remember that until I saw a meme where conservatives appropriated the image of fallen warrior Pat Tillman’s face in our ad instead of Kaepernick’s. It highlighted how mutually exclusive their two sacrifices are and emphasized the military monopoly on sacrifice.”

When reached for further comment, Parker also cited the success of images and videos on social media protesting Nike’s ad by showing service members cutting the Nike swoosh logo off their apparel.

“It’s a well-known fact that companies can’t bear to watch customers disrespect their symbol,” he told reporters. “To put it into perspective, it’s almost as painful for us to witness as it is for others to see someone kneel during the national anthem.”

Parker followed up with another tweet after his original apology was well received.

“Thank you for leveraging the image of a deceased hero to remind Nike and its leadership of the only manifestation of bravery and expression of patriotism, which is service in the armed forces. I’m sure Corporal Tillman would appreciate you speaking up on his behalf in a hotly debated topic like this.”

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Army

Dishonor Flight brings veterans back to the bar tabs they never settled

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WASHINGTON — An innovative new veteran’s non-profit is using private donations and support from several national airlines to reunite veterans with the shady shit they did in the past in their final days, sources confirmed today.

The program, called Dishonor Flight, has now helped more than 200 World War II veterans get back to the bar tabs they walked out on and women they lied to in order to sleep with.

“It was so inspirational,” said Kaycee Spisak, a flight attendant for Southwest Airlines who volunteered during a Dishonor Flight coming in from Duluth, Iowa. “These brave veterans, mostly in wheelchairs, were greeted by literally dozens of bartenders, bookies, pimps and landlords. That kind of passion is really inspiring.”

Dishonor Flight was off to a shaky start after several older veteran service organizations like the U.S.O. and Honor Flight refused to support the cause.

“I’m glad I did it,” said Battle of the Bulge Veteran Edwin Puller. “I heard about that Honor Flight, but it’s not worth missing 60 Minutes to see a duck pond in D.C. a bunch of no-good politicians built. But when Dishonor Flight called and reminded me I never settled up with my landlord at Camp Lewis when I left in ‘42, I got a good chuckle out of that. Good luck outliving me, chumps.”

Puller was shocked and surprised when not only his landlord, but a card shark and phony life insurance salesman were there to greet him, too.

“I wanted my grandchildren to see this. Grandpa went for one wild ride in ’42. After all the issued benzos and PX beer I’d roll into town and get deep into USO bitches. I’m surprised these are the only people I owe money. They must not know about the jazz clubs I snuck into.”

The Dishonor Flight ended with the old veterans and retired creditors kicking back some shots, reliving old times, and pointing out the errors in Band of Brothers.

Dishonor Flight plans to expand in the near future to set up flights to help Vietnam vets meet their middle-aged kids in Saigon and smoke a joint together, according to officials.

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Coast Guard

Coast Guard nervous over upcoming disabled veterans sailing race

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MONTEREY, Calif. — Local Coast Guard officials say they are a bit nervous about an upcoming event involving dozens of disabled military veteran racers competing in a Wounded Warrior Sailing Race, sources confirmed today.

“If we’re going to start together then we’re going to end together,” said Marcus Distelrath, a former U.S. Marine who lost both his arms in an IED blast, before starting the race.

“Um…yeah, about that,” said Petty Officer Stacy Hearn, a Boatswain’s Mate at Station Monterey. “We’re really supportive but this seems a bit dangerous and excessive. I mean, there’s one guy who’s using just his teeth to handle the lines.”

She added: “I’m pretty sure he’s just a life jacket with a head.”

Distelrath is part of the veteran non-profit organization, Sailing For Freedom, which provides veterans with sailing lessons as they begin their transition from military to civilian life.

“I’ve always wanted to do a sailing race, but I was always uneasy and terrified to do it on my own,” said Matthew Estes, who has been learning how to sail for the past six months despite having lost his legs and his right eye in a fire fight in the Middle East. “But Marcus has really given me the bravery that I can do whatever I want despite my disability.”

“Look, we’re not going to cancel the event,” said Hearn with her hands positioned in a defensive manner. “But let’s just say we’re going to be like a parent watching their toddler tightrope walk for the first time.”

Bob Cohen, who’s also a disabled U.S. Marine, has post-traumatic stress disorder and suffers from epileptic seizures.

“My brain just kind of lights off like a fireworks factory catching fire, but I’m still physically fit, and there are veterans that are perfectly capable of doing a race like this. Just because my mind is like a spastic Tasmanian devil, I would like to help these vets achieve something and not have their injury define them,” Cohen adds.

Some of the veterans will have their service animals with them in case they suffer from an episode that impacts their ability to sail.

“Oh, Christ,” added Hearn.

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Pentagon

VA Study: Getting shot in head may lead to brain injury in some troops

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WASHINGTON — A new report released by the Department of Veterans Affairs has revealed that some troops who have been shot in the head may suffer mild to severe brain injury in certain cases.

The comprehensive study took chief researcher Dr. Rich Meecham and his team decades to perform, and Meecham says there is a chance the results may impact the disability ratings of a small number of qualified veterans.

“We looked at the data from those troops who have suffered gunshot wounds to the head in the past, and we determined there is at least a moderate chance of those patients suffering some sort of cranial injury,” said Meecham. “This is especially true in those without proper diet and exercise.”

Meecham added that tobacco use and violation of grooming regulations greatly increased the risk of suffering an injury after receiving a bullet in the skull. He and his team pored over hundreds of files and X-ray images to determine just what the side effects of such an injury could be. Their ultimate goal is to establish a set of guidelines for diagnosing and treating gunshot wounds to the head, but they say the project could take decades.

Currently, the only VA-approved treatment is Motrin and hydration.

“You can see with this patient there is clearly something wrong with the front part of the brain area,” Meecham told reporters, pointing to what was clearly an X-ray of a left foot. “That can’t be good.”

The study has also looked at previous research that certain at-risk populations of service members who step on IEDs may face potential trauma to their lower extremities.

“The results are inconclusive, but it does appear that stepping on IEDs may lead to foot and leg injuries, and even death,” he added. “Especially if you don’t blouse your boots.”

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Veterans

American Flag wears hat with a veteran patch on it

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FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Since separating from the Army after three years of guidon duty, a local American flag has been seen sporting a hat with a patch in the shape of a veteran on it, sources say.

The flag says the hat helps signal to others that he is both a patriot and a veteran, and that when people see it they know he is deserving of their respect.

“I never go out in public without my operator hat and 5.11 cargo pants,” said the flag, who spent the majority of his enlistment in a supply closet on Fort Bragg. “You never know when the situation is gonna turn tactical.”

The flag claims that, in addition to the subdued coyote brown veteran patch he typically wears on his hat, he also carries infrared-reflective veteran patches on him at all times, in case he needs to signal a helicopter for a night extract from the local mall or Food Lion. He keeps his “flagout bag,” which contains essential flag survival items like extra swivel snaps and a reinforced brass guidon ferrule, on him at all times, too, he says.

“I flew colors for an SF unit one time, so I’m basically an operator,” said the flag, who has grown a beard and gotten dog tags tattooed on his bottom stripe since leaving the service. “And I never go anywhere without my Z87.1-rated Oakley flag case.”

Lieutenant Dan contributed reporting.

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Miscellaneous

Local Firework displays ‘No Douchey Veteran’ sign on lawn for July 4th celebration

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FT. HOOD, Texas — A local bottle rocket created quite a stir this weekend after putting up a lawn sign saying “Explosive Pyrotechnic — Please Refrain From Being Douchey Veterans” ahead of the Independence Day holiday.

Bucking Bronco, a Texas native with 8 years of pyrotechnic experience, put up the controversial sign late Sunday afternoon. Some members of the community immediately rallied to the bottle rocket’s call, vowing to limit the douche-baggery of their veterans to only reservists or Coast Guardsmen, and to confine them to their backyard.

But others saw the sign as controversial.

“I respect Bronco’s service to our country’s celebratory nighttime illumination, and sympathize with its continued suffering of post-ignition stress disorder,” said neighbor John Wokesmith. “But it’s the very celebration it provides that make me want to show off my alcoholic, dickhead of a cousin who never shuts up about being in the Rangers – despite him being admin. July 4th is the one time of year I can bring him around my friends and won’t have the cops called on us for him drunkenly blocking traffic or filling the streets with his obnoxious vape smoke.”

Other neighbors say it’s all just part of a pattern of attention-seeking behavior to compensate for Bronco’s perception of low self-worth. “If you live near a military base – hearing military jargon and moto phrases are a part of everyday life. If Bronco doesn’t like it, he should move.”

But Bucking Bronco isn’t the only one with complaints. Some residents have apparently filed grievances to the local Home Owners Association about its behavior, and even started a petition to get it kicked out of the neighborhood.

“It’s loud, it’s obnoxious, and it takes just a little spark to set it off,” said Miguel Angueiro. “One time Bucking, reeking of black powder, wandered over to my house, wearing a ‘Thank Me For My Combustion’ wrapper, and started bragging to my 16-year-old-daughter about having a ‘big fuse.’ It then had the nerve to call me a ‘sparkler-cuck’ when I threatened to call the cops if it didn’t get off my property. I don’t care what its history is, I don’t want it, or any of its buddies, anywhere near my kids ever again.”

At press time, Bucking Bronco still had its sign up and the local Veterans Parade remained scheduled for the afternoon of the 4th.

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Army

Recently-discharged soldier gains veteran 214

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AUSTIN, Texas — A man who recently left the U.S. Army has gained the inevitable veteran 214 before starting college classes on the G.I. Bill, sources confirmed today.

Jason Ennis, 22, received an honorable discharge from the service in January, but he quickly shed his military appearance and gained a couple hundred pounds to better fit in with his veteran colleagues. He also grew a large beard in order to hide his double chin and celebrate his freedom from having to shave and look presentable, according to sources.

Though less well known as an expression than the “freshman 15,” most who have previously served in the military are aware of the phenomenon of getting the “veteran 214” — which has a dual meaning of gaining at least 214 pounds after a service member gains their DD-214 discharge document. The weight gain is often caused by increased alcohol intake, consumption of cookies and brownies laced with marijuana, and a lack of physical exercise with the exception of beer curls.

In addition to his weight gain, sources say Ennis has fully completed his transition from service member to professional veteran after he placed a Freedom Isn’t Free, I Paid For It bumper sticker on his truck and posted a selfie video from the driver’s seat of his 19-minute complaint about gays and liberals to Facebook.

Ennis plans to start working out again some time next year, according to sources familiar with the matter.

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